Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
