I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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