God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
