Umm I'm too high to move.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
