OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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