i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
