Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
