I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
