This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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