Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
