apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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