Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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