I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need to calm my uterus...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
