I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
