all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
