i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
