They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
