He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
