it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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