This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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