Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
