OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
