Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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