if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
