I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
