Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
