am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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