One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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