I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
