I need help removing her.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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