Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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