Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
