First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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