No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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