Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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