I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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