If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
