I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
