What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
whose parrot is this?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
