you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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