someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can feel your judgement through the phone
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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