He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
