mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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