I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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