i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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