so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
