dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
