What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Randomize
