I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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