and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
